


impasse

by fauxtales



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, As much as Saix is capable of pining, Character Study, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26528998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauxtales/pseuds/fauxtales
Summary: Somehow, he feels closer to the moon than any of the Nobodies around him.
Relationships: Axel/Saïx (Kingdom Hearts)
Kudos: 15





	impasse

More and more, Saïx feels like he’s on the outside looking in. To his life. To his job. To his relationships. It all feels so disconnected, so far away. Somehow, he feels closer to the moon than any of the Nobodies around him.

Late at night, he sits on the roof of the castle, hidden away somewhere that no one will think to look. The difference between day and night in The World Between is subtle, and honestly mostly non existent, but they all keep to a schedule resembling days and nights and everyone is asleep by the time Saïx gets done with his work, so he might as well call it “late at night.” The moon is out, anyway.

With the appearance of the Keyblade’s champion, Kingdom Hearts has begun to grow in the sky above their home. If such a harsh place can be called a home. Its light calls to Saïx, something gentle in this severe world he has found himself wrapped up in, and he wishes it could lead him somewhere new. Somewhere he didn’t feel so lost in.

Axel is drifting away from him. Faster and faster, Saïx watches as his best friend turns to other people, other paths. But he can’t bring himself to follow. The same tug that compels him to sit on the roof for hours just staring up at that comforting light also keeps him from trying to pull Axel back. He’s not sure if the compulsion comes from himself or the bit of himself that is no longer him, but it hardly matters.

They are at an impasse. They argue, sure. Axel seemingly relents, does as Saïx orders, but they don’t truly move. Saïx doesn’t, anyway. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe Axel has gotten tired of standing here, staring at each other blankly. It’s been years and they haven’t moved an inch; Axel has never been the most patient person.

If Saïx still had a heart, he thinks it would be broken now. Watching Axel’s face sometimes when they talk, Saïx thinks it would have been broken years ago. After all, they’re stuck in a cycle that won’t end until Xemnas gets what he wants or they manage to dethrone him. It’s taken nearly ten years to get even this far. What’s another five?

On the nights where Saïx gives in, lets his guard down and allows Axel close, he thinks that maybe they should give it all up. Axel is so very warm, both physically and as a person, and Saïx wants to bask in that. The moon is gentle, but it is distant and cold. Xemnas is the Nothingness he embodies, not hot and not cold, a strange in between that is as uncomfortable as it is impossible to identify fully. Xemnas only knows how to possess. The moon only knows how to watch.

Axel knows how to feel.

It’s impossible, Saïx reminds himself, for a Nobody to feel anything. Impossible. Those who have hearts cannot feel. Those who don’t exist, cannot feel.

But when Axel presses close, lips burning a trail along Saïx’s skin and hands warming long sore muscles, Saïx can almost believe. He can almost believe that nonsense Demyx is always spouting, can almost believe that the memory of a heart is enough to give a being emotions.

He can almost believe that Axel might love him.

Which is better? To burn alive under the touch of his best friend, the person he threw his life away for the first time, the one he has followed into the depths of hell to achieve their goals? Or to remain frozen in place, distant and shaded, but safe. Alive.

Saïx finds it is a question he cannot answer. 

There are so many questions he can’t find an answer to, these days. He used to think he had all the answers, that he was always right and knew the correct decision to make to get closer to his goal. Now he watches his best tool, his best friend, walk away and Saïx doesn’t know what decision it was that led him here, but it seems that every additional decision he makes now pushes Axel farther and farther away.

And Saïx doesn’t even know if he should stop him.


End file.
